Please don't judge me for my online presence...

photo by Kyle

I have this problem that things don't turn out how I want them to.
I feel like this blog and the photos on it don't really reflect me, or the style I want it to have, which really really sucks.
And I don't really have the time right now to fix it, which also sucks.
But I came across this quote (via an interview of Lorde by Rookie)
and it's keeping me okay with the current situation for the time being:

"Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work..." -Ira Glass

Anyways, that's all I've got for today!
Blog/photo style inspiration... Three Mints, The Secret Life of Bee, Chalk White Arrow

Just some stuff...

+ It was our one year anniversary yesterday
+ I meant to blog about it
+ I mean to blog about a lot of things, but it's probably never going to happen
+ Kyle built me a blanket fort the other day
+ With lights and everything!
+ He put it together while I was out rafting
+ I'm moving to Utah tomorrow at 4am
+ That's in 5 hours
+ I still haven't packed
+ My room is a mess
+ I have a package for Kirs that has been sitting on my table for a month
+ I skyped with my favourite person, Allie, today
+ She is so fun
+ I need to find a job!
+ I'm going to miss Washington.

My Two Cents

I know I just posted a video, and I hate posting them so close together, but I feel it's necessary this time. Besides, the last one was technically a song and this one you actually have to watch ;) Also: This may seem a little self centered, it definitely feels that way for me, but I think it's important.

I don't think I have low self esteem. I used to love when people would ask for group photos, or funny photos, or any photos really! I mean, I had a fashion blog where we took pictures of ourselves everyday. I don't get embarrassed with karaoke and love to go crazy with Just Dance. I love being on stage. But a couple weeks ago, we were hanging out with some friends when someone gave me a compliment on how cute I was, and I replied with something like "Nah, thanks though!" Kyle turned to her and said "It's hard to give her compliments because she has low self esteem and doesn't see how great she it." I was shocked! What was he talking about?? I don't have low self esteem! It made me stop and think about how I act. Then I watched this video....



Dove - 'Camera Shy' from Epoch London on Vimeo.

...And I realized that that was me. Especially with Kyle, since he's a photographer and is always pointing the camera in my direction. When did that happen?? I mean, our first date was a photoshoot with all eyes on me! When did I start getting so self conscious and stop loving who I am?
I decided to look at myself through different eyes, to see myself as my friends and family see me, and not be so hard on myself. I'm also focusing on accepting the compliments and not putting myself down, since I LOVE compliments (I mean, everyone does, but they're one of my love languages)

After I decided this, someone sent me a message and said they loved the photos of me on the beach!
I had no idea what they were talking about, so I asked them to explain and they sent me a link to Kyle's blog where he sneakily posted photos from our trip to California back in March. I checked them out, and actually liked them! Which sounds horrible that I wouldn't have before, since Kyle took them and they are great, but like I said that's just how I was! So here are a few :)
You can check the rest out here if you want.

//

"Never give up on anyone. And that includes never giving up on yourself."

Dieter F. Uchtdof

I'm a housewife

(Haha not really. I just thought the subject matter of this post makes me seem like it, which TOTALLY contradicts my "we're not getting married" post below)

Did you know I used to be really great at documenting life? I did!
I took my camera EVERYWHERE. Even going to the groccery store! I don't really do that anymore (read: at all)
And that makes me kind of sad.
I barely took any photos on this last roadtrip to Utah,which my Mum and I did all on our own. I've never really had alone time with her like that before and there is next to no proof that it actually happened! I think it's in part because of my new lens, that I LOVE but doesn't really work with my camera (the whole crop body thing, you know?) but also because I'm dating a professional photographer.

And that's just intimidating.

Even though he doesn't read this blog and would never see the photos.

Anyways... Long explanation just to say: I am making it a goal to carry my camera more.
Then work up to using it all the time again. Because I'm really great at taking photos so other people have memories (engagements/family photos/weddings etc.) but I don't have any memories of my own anymore.

I was also very sad I didn't take my camera today because Kyle and I had SUCH a great adventure. We drove around as the sun set, talking & laughing & (me) singing, then stopped along the way and picked blackberries on the side of road. Then we came home and made blackberry/apple crumble.

IS THAT NOT ADORABLE AND PICTURE PERFECT OR WHAT?!
I know.

Soooo more pictures from now on! Not just the stuff I do for other people, but the stuff for me too :)

Knowing and waiting

Today at the library, a patron was planning a wedding. I know this, because I had to check in 15 wedding books and a billion back issues of Brides Magazine (which, I believe, is one of the best magazines out there, so kudos to you bride-to-be.)
Then, later on, another patron - a flustered new father- asked me if I could hold his baby. His fresh, still curled up, new to the world, perfect little baby with the darkest fuzzy hair I have ever seen.
Obviously, this all put me into plan-the-most-amazing-wedding-this-world-has-ever-seen-then-have-ALL-of-the-babies mode. (Understandably, I think.)
And let me tell you, I DID plan the best wedding ever.
Seriously, if I can pull that off one day it will top anything in the history of life...
But there's the thing.
One day.
I told Kyle of all my plans after work, and he smiled & nodded and agreed with everything I said,
then gently pulled me back to earth to remind me that we agreed it wouldn't be anytime soon.
I know what you're thinking:
Dream. Crusher.
He's actually the exact opposite.
Being my best friend, he knows all my thoughts & aspirations & everything I dream of becoming, and he knows that most of those things won't work out if we're married. Especially if we had kids (though I am quite convinced that since he has the most luscious lips ever, our babies would be so beautiful à la Alex & Nat or The Wiegands.)
So marriage isn't right for us right now.
Sometimes, like today, I really, really wish it was. So I dream, and plan, and wait, and love my cute boy because he loves me more than I can comprehend. He's so kind to me, and puts my life & happiness above all else - even when I don't realize it.

He focuses on the big picture, and helps me see it too.

He also comes over within minutes of me texting him just to hold me while I cry after a rotten day.
He's just too good.

My favourite photo of us above, taken in Toon Town March 2013

Feeling Inspired

Don't you just love this?
I love this.

One of the perks of working in a library
is the amount of picture books you're suddenly exposed to
and the wonderful art work that goes with them.
This one is from a book called "The Heart and the Bottle"
(which was so so so beautiful)
by Oliver Jeffers. He is amazing.
I'm a little bit crazy about all his picture books now.
And I highly recommend "This Moose Belongs to Me"

Doesn't this just make you want to make stuff?
I want to make stuff.

And have this framed in huge proportions on my wall.

Testing: 1, 2, 3

I'm trying out a new photo size (see posts below) because I felt they were too small before.
...But now I feel they might be too large.
Too big? Or ya dig?

Bestfriend

Kirs is my adventure buddy and
partner in crime for basically everything
And I love that we're two days apart.
My birthday is the 5th, her's is the 7th,
so we have a crazy two-person party on the 6th.
This year was the best yet (photos to come)

Happy Birthday Miss Kirsten.



See her mission blog here

and our (almost retired) bestfriend blog here 

///

18 was a crazy year.
And I'm so sad to see it go.
That caught me by surprise,
because 17 was hard
And by the end, I was done with it.
Completely happy to be 18.
But it's not the same this birthday,
because the things that happened
while I was 18 were huge.
Life changing.
I graduated high school.
I got my license.
My first job.
(Lost my first job)
Grew closer to some people
and apart from others.
Travelled.
Met new people.
Tried new things.
Fell in love.

Most importantly, I learned that plans aren't set in stone
And sometimes you just need to go with it.
And trust that there's something better ahead.
I loved this year.
Yes, there were some low points,
But as a whole, it was wonderful.

Goodbye 18, thanks for all the adventures.